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And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth... -Revelation 7:1
"The Stars of the Apocalypse" series continues with today's one-on-one chat with The Fifth Wind Of Destruction.
Irrelativity: Thanks for joining us on such short notice.
Fifth Wind Of Destruction: Hey, no problem. I had some other appointments, but I blew them off so I could be here.
I: Well, we appreciate your efforts. Now, according to the Book Of Revela...
FW: Get it? I blew them off? Blew? Ha!
I: Oh, I see. You being a Wind Of Destruction and all, you would ...
FW: And if you think I'm bad, you should meet my girlfriend, Gail. HA! Get it? Gale...?
I: Clever. So, in reading over the Book Of Revelation, the book of the New Testament most associated with the forthcoming Apocalypse, in fact one might even say that it's THE authority on all things Apocalypse, I'm noticing that there are only FOUR Winds Of Destruction mentioned.
FW: Well, look, back in them days there wasn't nearly as much stuff to destroy. I mean, you had your little clay huts and a few horses, the occasional big block wall, that was about it. These days you got skyscrapers and sport utility vehicles, and those aren't so easy to destroy.
I: So you were called in to help?
FW: Well, I wasn't so much called in. You see, me and the guys (Four Winds Of Destruction) go way back, even back to the days when we were young, gentle breezes. In fact, I was one of the original Four Winds, but I had to step down for a while due to some health complications. But now I'm back, and ready to mix it up, ya know what I'm saying? Boom!
I: Indeed. I've spoken with three of the Four Winds in previous interviews, and not one of them has made any mention of you. In fact, on several occasions I asked them specifically if there were any other Winds I should know about, and the answer was always an emphatic "no."
FW: Yeah, well ... I'm kinda like a secret weapon, ya know? Like when the time comes for us to do our thing and a third of the sea becomes blood and the locusts swarms are in full swing and the sun is blotted out and the people still left alive are all like, "Whew, well, that was the last of the four winds of destruction, I was counting, so I guess we came out of this whole apocalypse thing OK" and then when they're gettin' all cozy and thinkin' they're home free, then here I come. Boom!
I: Shortly before our interview I received this press release from the PR firm of Melvin & Atwell, who represent the Four Winds Partnership. It states rather bluntly that there is no Fifth Wind Of Destruction and that anyone claiming such a title is in no way associated with Four Winds, Inc. or any of their subsidiaries.
FW: Well, that's all part of the secret plan. You see ...
I: It goes on to say, and let me just read from it directly, "This faux Wind of Destruction is actually a Windbag of Deception, a sniveling little Apocalyptic wannabe that couldn't destroy a house of cards with a tennis racket." And there's a picture of you enclosed.
FW: God dammmit!
I: Well, I guess that's about it for our intervie ... OW! Hey, stop pinching me!
FW: Hurts, doesn't it? Here, have another.
I: Ow!
FW: See? Now who's an Apocalyptic wannabe, eh? (At this point in the interview he gets up and puts me in headlock.) Woe, woe, woe to those who dwell on the earth! Boom!
I: Mmpfff ...
FW: Oh, want me to let you go, do you? Well, just say, "You're a Wind of Destruction."
I: Blow me... (tightens headlock). OWW! OK, OK! You're a Wind of Destruction ...
FW: Louder.
I: YOU'RE A WIND OF DESTRUCTION!
FW: Damn straight. And you're first on my list when it all hits the fan, punk.
(NEXT TIME: My Dinner With The Antichrist!)
Irrelativity is © 2008 by Barry Smith. All rights reserved. No commercial use may be made of the material without prior arrangements with the author. And so on and so forth. If you want to put one of my columns on your web page, or include it in your employee newsletter, or use parts of it in your speech before the U.N., it would be so cool and considerate if you would email me about such things beforehand so we could discuss it.
Barry Smith’s “IRRELATIVITY” appears weekly in the Aspen Times.
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“THE FIFTH WIND SPEAKS”
